Chapter 3: Considerations

 I was at such a loss on how to find Jennifer again. 

I scoured the internet and found a few different links, but it was only more testimonials. Some the same as from her website, other new ones, all posted through social media accounts. No contact information to be found, and none of the testimonials gave any significant clues. The backgrounds of pictures and videos were of locations all over the world - none that I could find in my own town, though there were so many, I eventually gave up looking and close my laptop.

My brains felt battered, my vision blurring, my heart racing. The strangely steady euphoria, if such a contradicting feeling can exist, had turned to frenzy and disorientation. I was highly overstimulated and felt jittery and lost. 

I dressed in warm clothes and left the house to walk around the block. Although agoraphobia has taken many opportunities from me, I'm fortunate that I'm able to enjoy going out within certain parameters. I am not homebound and for that I am deeply grateful. I don't take my privileges for granted either - to be highly agitated and comfortable, indeed, comforted, by walking, to soothe the anxiety, is a great blessing for me. I love to be outdoors, I love to move, I love to explore. It's a strange thing to have these feelings and also be stuck with terror upon crossing certain unconscious lines. Stand here, confident and filled with the joy of movement - step here, and be reduced to a quivering child without her mother, crying in the dusk. But of course, it's not always so extreme - I have many techniques to hold on to sanity while moving into new spaces, and this has allowed me to overcome a great deal of my fear - though not nearly as much I would like to overcome.

I circled Mount Hope Cemetery, the moonlight bright enough to to navigate the winding paths, ancient trees and crooked stones. In another strange contradiction, I've rarely felt afraid for my physical safety at night, or in a strange places. My fears related to illness and madness - to fight off a stranger is not something I've ever done, but it doesn't terrify me as much as rubbery legs or a racing mind. This lack of fear is balanced by reasonable caution, and I generally don't go into the cemetery at night unless the moon is full.

Thirty minutes of walking and deep breathing allowed clarity. I considered: if I never found Jennifer again, I'd be no worse off for having had a marvelous adventure. The feeling was not lasting - I felt hesitant and fearful to leave my immediate neighbourhood after feeling so intensely - soothed by motion in proximity to my home, I became agitated at the thought of going further afield. But even this wasn't a particular loss, so much as a familiar state. 

But if I could find her - what might be possible? And thus, how. There was no way to know where she was or how to locate her but to return to the park, as soon and as often as possible, in the hopes that she walked there often, or that she might be looking for me there.